RHOC Alum Kara Keough Pens Heartbreaking Open Letter To Grieving Mothers After Shedding Toddler Son

Shedding a toddler is without doubt one of the worst experiences we might think about, however Kara Keough is utilizing that unfathomable loss to succeed in out to others who’ve suffered related ache.

The previous Actual Housewives of Orange County star first opened up in regards to the lack of her toddler son, McCoy, again in Might.

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Six months ago, I laid my eyes on you for the first time. I turned your big body around then looked at Daddy with a mixture of shock and pride and said, “It’s a boy.” Three hours later, I limped into the NICU to start what would be my first and last days of kissing you. Somehow, I kissed you a lifetime’s worth of kisses in six days. All without one kiss back. I still think about what it felt like to kiss you, and that I never got kissed back. It all still makes my throat ache like I’m being choked. I hate that the thought of kissing you creates this painful and involuntary spasm. I’d much rather be thinking of that involuntary happiness spasm that would overtake your body as a 6-month-old. Oh what I’d do to see those little joyful jolts, with your chubby arms air-pumping and flapping while your legs do that spring-loaded kick combo. Would we be dropping a nap, hearing you laugh, starting solids? Would all my shirts have drool pools on them? Would nursing you prove to be more of an Olympic effort around this time? And just where am I supposed to put all this love? This love that I reserved just for you? I still put it in you, of course. The love doesn’t leave just because you did. It’s a hard lesson to learn. I was feeling my love for you spilling out of me, in the form of tears, guttural sobs, and that worthless guilt. But there are better ways to feel my love for you. Missing you something terrible doesn’t have to be the only way to miss you. I want to miss you wonderfully. As in, full of wonder. Recently, your Daddy held me as he told me: “Each day, when you feel that strong breeze, or the sun hits your face, or you hear our daughter laugh… that’s our son loving his mama.” I considered the beauty in my life and how, like your Daddy said, each one of those little happy winks are you loving me. It’s you kissing me back. And that made my throat soften, and my heart open. And that, my boy, is the gift you’ve given me. A heart broken wide open is still an open heart. We love you, McCoy. And we miss you something wonderful.

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Despite the horrific circumstances, Keough has continued to share her grief with the world in poignant Instagram posts marking the milestones of what can be her son’s youth.

Related: Kara Memorializes Son With Special Tattoo

On Thursday, the truth star took issues a step additional in an open letter to different grieving moms who misplaced their infants. Posted on the Good Morning America web site, the letter started:

“To My Fellow Loss Mother,
I want there was one thing else I might name you, one thing else I might name myself. ‘Angel Mother’ feels too fluffy, and ‘Bereaved Mom’ appears like we ought to be sporting black lace and howling on our knees in a stone church someplace. Don’t get me fallacious, we’re completely nonetheless howling. However we’re doing it in yoga pants. Lululemons simply do a greater job of hiding our postpartum bellies and serving to us keep away from questions like, ‘When are you due?’ or worse, ‘How’s the infant?!’ That’s one factor even grief counselors don’t warn you about: the way you’ll have to interrupt the information of your little one’s loss to strangers, insurance coverage brokers, employers, acquaintances, TSA brokers, everybody.”

OMG. That hadn’t even occurred to us. It’s like your coronary heart is making an attempt to heal from being ripped out, and folks maintain coming alongside to tear your stitches.

The 31-year-old went on to element the shared experiences of shedding a toddler: blaming your self, wishing the world would cease on your grief, individuals who “say the fallacious issues and … say proper issues that really feel fallacious.” She wrote that one of the best mates are those that “can sit quietly with us with out feeling the necessity to fill the silence.”

She continued:

“The area the place our infants ought to be in some way begins feeling much less like a gaping gap and extra like an invisible fullness as time goes on. We wish to hear their names, we wish to take into consideration them and smile, we wish to see them on this planet round us. Milestones hit us like bricks and time feels jumbled. How has it already been so lengthy? And who would they be at present?”

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This bear weighs exactly 11 pounds and 4 ounces. Exactly the size of the hole in my heart. But thanks to this thoughtful gift, my arms don’t feel so painfully empty. I can’t quite articulate how much carrying the exact weight of McCoy against my body grounds me. I think my physical need for him will be there forever, the heaviness of his absence always present. But this sure helps. Thank you @kylieraedesigns for this big dude and thank you @mb_jackets for the custom ribbon. Also feeling thankful for my new (first) tattoo, with my son’s ashes in the ink… so that my baby can be with me always. He can stay forever in my arms this way, in the place he last rested. I know I’m privileged in my grief, to have the support of so many. It’s very hard to feel lucky right now, and yet, somehow, I know I am. That being said, I’m very much ready for the dick kicks to stop. To the poor Shipt shopper who remarked “the baby should have been born by now, right?” and the shocked insurance agent, and the others who didn’t mean to throw the grenades they did… when I say “It’s okay,” I don’t mean “I’m okay,” I’m saying I know you didn’t know. But I promise, you’re not upsetting me by “reminding” me, I’ll never need a reminder. I’m just sad that the answer to your question isn’t what I hoped it would be. It should be a joyful Q&A, not a landmine. It should be different. Instead, here I am, clutching a stuffed toy wishing it was a real boy. To my Instead Mamas, I thank you especially for all the continued comfort, encouragement, and love. And you’re right, it is getting easier to bear. (Look! I even did a pun. Good for me.)

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In attractive prose, she wrote:

“Each day, each minute, one other mom joins us on this membership. It’s a membership nobody desires to be part of, however the love and compassion inside it are not like every other. The moment bond that ignites between two girls once we sit collectively on this ache is nearly religious. Sorrow like this, grief like ours, carves profound depth into our souls. We’re not flat, shiny objects, however we’re as a substitute embossed by our loss. Someway extra lovely for it.
If not wasted, grief could be an unimaginable present. After the preliminary haze, the lens by means of which we see the world sharpens our view. It’s virtually like that first victorious gulp of air after being underwater too lengthy, a lot extra treasured than the sip earlier than. In grief, the spirit of the Earth in some way reveals herself to us. Sunsets are technicolor, wind is euphoric, and rain is an echoing refrain of our hearts. Rainbows and butterflies appear to point out up only for us simply once we want them most.”


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You would have been two months old today. You’d have found your favorite pacifier by now, and I’d be grateful that I was finally able to get those first (beautiful) 6+ hour stretches of sleep that make me feel like a Disney Princess with birds tweeting above my head. Instead, I’m clocking in 12+ hours every night because sleeping is decidedly easier than my waking hours. We should be cleaning up your blowouts, instead we’re dealing with our own shit. At this point, you would be finding your voice – squawking and squealing and making our hearts explode. Our hearts have still detonated, but for different reasons. I should be looking at your face for most of my day, instead I have to search for you elsewhere. I see you in songs, in the sky, in the sea, in your sister’s face, in your daddy’s arms. I’ll keep looking for you for as long as I live. Being without you is hard, but being your mom is one of my favorite things about myself. I love you, McCoy Casey.

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Kara, who can be mom to Decker, 4, wrote {that a} “new us” could be born from the unimaginable loss. She stated:

“The brand new us can love once more, regardless of realizing the chance. That sort of bravery didn’t exist in us earlier than. However alas, right here we’re. By no means transferring on however transferring with. Grief is like happening a bear hunt: We are able to’t go over it, we are able to’t go below it, now we have to undergo it. Squish, squash.”

Related: Chrissy Teigen’s First Instagram Post Since Tragic Pregnancy Loss

Keough concluded:

“Sure, being a mom with empty arms turns into a wierd juxtaposition. Extra joyful regardless of struggling, extra alive regardless of dying and extra loving regardless of loss. We ask ourselves, ‘The place are we supposed to place all this love, all this love that we had reserved for them?’ The reply turns into so clear: throughout us, after all, and into them, nonetheless. Most significantly — and with no hesitations — we should put the love again into ourselves as soon as once more. Terry Tempest Williams insists, ‘Grief dares us to like as soon as extra.’
So, to grief, we reply, ‘You triple canine dare me?’”

Wow. What a very unimaginable piece of writing, and what power it should have taken to put in writing. We commend Kara for her openness, and we hope for anybody on the market struggling an analogous loss, that her phrases make them really feel much less alone.

[Picture through Kara Keough/Instagram]

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